What should you bring to the First Mediation Appointment?

Although mediation in the broadest sense of the term - that is, a process which seeks to reach a negotiated resolution of a conflict between two parties with the assistance of an impartial third one - has been practiced in society since ancient times, its application to the resolution of disputed issues in Illinois family law cases is a relatively recent phenomenon.

If you and your spouse have decided to mediate issues in your divorce such as custody, visitation or spousal maintenance (as “alimony” is known under Illinois law), you probably already understand generally how the process works and what to expect. Nevertheless, mediation will probably be a new and stressful experience for both of you and some basic preparation can help relieve your anxiety and improve the chances for a successful outcome.         

Choosing an Illinois Divorce Mediator

No two mediators have exactly the same style or approach. Since it’s obviously important for both spouses to be able to trust and feel comfortable with the selected mediator, you and your spouse should interview several candidates; if possible, do this together and compare notes after each interview.

Before you meet the first candidate, make a list of what you feel are the major issues in dispute (starting with the most important to you), and encourage your spouse to do the same. Look for a mediator whom you both feel understands your respective positions regarding these areas of conflict and who appears able to remain reasonably impartial.

Also, since many other types of disputes also can be resolved through mediation, be sure to ask each candidate about his or her specific training and experience in divorce mediation.

Scheduling and Location

Depending upon the number and complexity of disputed issues, work schedules and the level of emotion, it may be preferable to schedule a number of shorter mediation sessions instead of attempting to resolve everything in a single meeting. 

Many qualified mediators have facilities that can accommodate your group comfortably, but other options, such as meeting rooms in the local library, may also be available. Remember that you’ll be talking openly about some of the most personal details of your life, so be sure that whatever site you choose is set up in a way that will ensure your privacy.        

Collecting and Preparing Documentation

The documentation you’ll need to gather or prepare will depend on the issues to be mediated, but items commonly needed include proof of income (pay stubs, Social Security or disability payment information), tax returns and lists and estimated values of marital assets. Be sure to bring enough copies of each document for yourself, your spouse the mediator and, if they will be present, your respective attorneys.   

If you and your spouse have already agreed on some issues (for example, a child visitation schedule), it can be helpful to prepare a rough draft or outline of those items. Even though they were resolved outside the mediation, they should be included in any final mediation agreement. 

Keep a Positive Attitude

This is the single most important thing to bring to the session. In large part, what you and your spouse put into the mediation process will determine its success or failure. Above all, try to maintain an open mind and a determination to resolve as many issues as possible with the least amount of conflict.

Talking to your Children about the Divorce

For parents who are getting or considering a divorce in Illinois, how, what and when to tell the kids are of primary concern. Although parents may often be preoccupied by their own feelings of hurt and devastation and may be tempted to delay the discussion with their children, it’s usually better for the children to know about the decision immediately, and especially before one of their parent’s moves out.

It's important for parents to understand that children will be anxious, worried, and perhaps even angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. The following tips can help parents plan to deliver the news in a reassuring, supportive, and sympathetic way.

When and How to Tell the Kids

Make a plan before sitting down to talk with the kids. Parents who are prepared can anticipate tough questions and are in a much better position to help their kids handle the news. In order to minimize shock, it’s important to let kids in on the situation right away, or at least before any changes in living arrangements occur. If possible, both parents should be present to talk with the children. While there may be a great deal of anger, disappointment or resentment between spouses, in front of the kids it is imperative to remain calm, be respectful, and present a united front.

Try to strike an empathetic tone. Physical proximity – pats on the arm or shoulder, hugs, or just sitting near – can be a powerful way to reassure kids. Be sensitive to age differences – a simple explanation is best for younger kids who won't require many details; older kids and teenagers, however, may need more information.

What to Tell Them

Always tell the truth, but try to keep it as simple as possible. Agree on an explanation with your spouse ahead of time and give the children a reason even if it’s as simple as “mom and dad just can’t get along anymore.” Avoid pointing fingers and be respectful of your spouse when giving reasons for the separation. Do not discuss issues such as money or extramarital affairs. Be sure to make it very clear to the children that they are not the cause of the divorce.

The kids’ anxiety will likely center on how the details of how divorce is going to affect them on a day to day basis. Tell them what will change – who they will live with, where they will go to school. Let them know that you will have to work some things out together as you go. Don’t put pressure on kids to choose sides and let them know that even though the marriage is ending, both parents will remain involved with them. Let them know how much you both love them and remind them that parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced.

Reassure and Support Them

Encourage the children to share their feelings and really listen to what they say. Children may have difficulty expressing emotions; parents can help by taking notice of their moods and encouraging them to talk. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry, or confused. Be patient with your kids. They may seem to understand one day and then be unsure again the next. Patiently repeat the discussion as often as needed, reassuring them that they are not responsible and that both parents will continue to love them. To the extent possible, continue to maintain and observe rules and routines. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next.