For parents who are getting or considering a divorce in Illinois, how, what and when to tell the kids are of primary concern. Although parents may often be preoccupied by their own feelings of hurt and devastation and may be tempted to delay the discussion with their children, it’s usually better for the children to know about the decision immediately, and especially before one of their parent’s moves out.
It's important for parents to understand that children will be anxious, worried, and perhaps even angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. The following tips can help parents plan to deliver the news in a reassuring, supportive, and sympathetic way.
When and How to Tell the Kids
Make a plan before sitting down to talk with the kids. Parents who are prepared can anticipate tough questions and are in a much better position to help their kids handle the news. In order to minimize shock, it’s important to let kids in on the situation right away, or at least before any changes in living arrangements occur. If possible, both parents should be present to talk with the children. While there may be a great deal of anger, disappointment or resentment between spouses, in front of the kids it is imperative to remain calm, be respectful, and present a united front.
Try to strike an empathetic tone. Physical proximity – pats on the arm or shoulder, hugs, or just sitting near – can be a powerful way to reassure kids. Be sensitive to age differences – a simple explanation is best for younger kids who won't require many details; older kids and teenagers, however, may need more information.
What to Tell Them
Always tell the truth, but try to keep it as simple as possible. Agree on an explanation with your spouse ahead of time and give the children a reason even if it’s as simple as “mom and dad just can’t get along anymore.” Avoid pointing fingers and be respectful of your spouse when giving reasons for the separation. Do not discuss issues such as money or extramarital affairs. Be sure to make it very clear to the children that they are not the cause of the divorce.
The kids’ anxiety will likely center on how the details of how divorce is going to affect them on a day to day basis. Tell them what will change – who they will live with, where they will go to school. Let them know that you will have to work some things out together as you go. Don’t put pressure on kids to choose sides and let them know that even though the marriage is ending, both parents will remain involved with them. Let them know how much you both love them and remind them that parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced.
Reassure and Support Them
Encourage the children to share their feelings and really listen to what they say. Children may have difficulty expressing emotions; parents can help by taking notice of their moods and encouraging them to talk. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry, or confused. Be patient with your kids. They may seem to understand one day and then be unsure again the next. Patiently repeat the discussion as often as needed, reassuring them that they are not responsible and that both parents will continue to love them. To the extent possible, continue to maintain and observe rules and routines. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next.
It's important for parents to understand that children will be anxious, worried, and perhaps even angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. The following tips can help parents plan to deliver the news in a reassuring, supportive, and sympathetic way.
When and How to Tell the Kids
Make a plan before sitting down to talk with the kids. Parents who are prepared can anticipate tough questions and are in a much better position to help their kids handle the news. In order to minimize shock, it’s important to let kids in on the situation right away, or at least before any changes in living arrangements occur. If possible, both parents should be present to talk with the children. While there may be a great deal of anger, disappointment or resentment between spouses, in front of the kids it is imperative to remain calm, be respectful, and present a united front.
Try to strike an empathetic tone. Physical proximity – pats on the arm or shoulder, hugs, or just sitting near – can be a powerful way to reassure kids. Be sensitive to age differences – a simple explanation is best for younger kids who won't require many details; older kids and teenagers, however, may need more information.
What to Tell Them
Always tell the truth, but try to keep it as simple as possible. Agree on an explanation with your spouse ahead of time and give the children a reason even if it’s as simple as “mom and dad just can’t get along anymore.” Avoid pointing fingers and be respectful of your spouse when giving reasons for the separation. Do not discuss issues such as money or extramarital affairs. Be sure to make it very clear to the children that they are not the cause of the divorce.
The kids’ anxiety will likely center on how the details of how divorce is going to affect them on a day to day basis. Tell them what will change – who they will live with, where they will go to school. Let them know that you will have to work some things out together as you go. Don’t put pressure on kids to choose sides and let them know that even though the marriage is ending, both parents will remain involved with them. Let them know how much you both love them and remind them that parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced.
Reassure and Support Them
Encourage the children to share their feelings and really listen to what they say. Children may have difficulty expressing emotions; parents can help by taking notice of their moods and encouraging them to talk. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry, or confused. Be patient with your kids. They may seem to understand one day and then be unsure again the next. Patiently repeat the discussion as often as needed, reassuring them that they are not responsible and that both parents will continue to love them. To the extent possible, continue to maintain and observe rules and routines. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next.
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